Neighbourly

My research into our past Sisters was initially meant to focus on their lives in Community, but I became increasingly interested in their family backgrounds, and have unearthed some interesting information and connections. I’m never quite sure how much I should be exploring that background, but sometimes, after writing about a Sister, I start to research some more about their siblings and families. I find this research fascinating, so it always tempting to do more than needed. After writing about Sr Eliza last week, I did further research, and decided I really needed to do this before writing the blog, not afterwards.

Had I done this, then I would have picked up on the marriage of Sr Eliza’s parents, Abraham and Harriet, and the fact that this was a second marriage for both of them. In the 1851 census, the older three children are Abraham’s by his first wife; only the younger three are the children of Abraham and Harriet. This does explain the age gap. My research also showed that I need to transcribe it better: in 1871, Edward is a bootmaker, not a bookmaker. But other, more tragic, information was revealed. Last week, I mentioned the death of the older Eliza in 1853; on finding her burial record, the original pointed me back to an earlier entry, that of Mary Ann Bull, Abraham and Harriet’s 3 year old daughter, not long after the 1851 census. There, I found the following note: Died on the Friday before Good Friday. On the same day at the same hour 1852 her mother was delivered of a still-born child; and at the same hour of the same day [1853] a step-child was burnt to death [i.e. Eliza]. This makes the note by the younger children’s baptismal record rather more serious: both Mary Ann Eliza and Mary Ann Jane were baptised on the same day in 1860 ‘privately due to illness’; they were publicly received in the church in 1864. That their older sister, Mary Ann, died so young explains why both children were given her name. Mary Ann Eliza was known as Eliza, but Mary Ann Jane seems to have used her first name. It must also have been a relief when both girls survived their illness, and lived through to adulthood.

Apart from correcting and enhancing last week’s blog, what is the point of this? I think it serves to show how easily we can make assumptions, and how we can never truly know what is happening in other people’s lives. It is so easy to make facile judgements without being aware of the true facts. This is shown by last week’s blog, where I assumed all six children in the 1851 census were the children of both Abraham and Harriet, whereas the census actually said they were the children of the head of household (Abraham). It is also easy to assume we know why someone is behaving in a certain way, or accept the face they show us as fact, without bearing in mind that there may be more going on underneath the surface. It may or may not be appropriate to probe further, and it may or may not be our responsibility to find out the facts, but it is worth each of us bearing in mind that those we meet day by day may have more to deal with than we are aware of. In her later years, Harriet moved to Norton Subcourse, in Norfolk, to live with her youngest daughter, Mary Ann Jane, and her husband. I wonder how many of those she met knew about that tragedy in the early 1850s? Or that she had lost her first husband very young?

This is pure speculation, but I also wonder whether that series of losses on the Friday before Good Friday was something that affected Harriet in later life? Whether she became sadder, or more difficult to live with, or more withdrawn at that time of year? I wonder, too, how her neighbours may have responded to that. It would have been so easy to judge her, without realising the pain she was going through. It may not have been something she wanted to share, but it would have made both her and her neighbour’s life more difficult if there was no understanding that there may have been more going on than they were aware of. As I said, that was speculation, but it is one worth bearing in mind as we come into contact with different people. We do not need to know every aspect of someone’s past, but it may help to be aware that there may be more lying behind their behaviour than we are aware of (although that does not mean accepting conduct that is offensive). But, often, we could operate with more compassion and less judgement.

We all react differently to different circumstances and behaviours, and something that can be extremely exasperating to one person can pass another by completely. Living in Community means that you find out much more about yourself, if you are prepared to engage with the process. One way of doing that is looking to see why something irritates you about someone. Not the obvious reason (they keep talking over me, or whatever), but why it is that this particular behaviour bothers you. It is often something rooted on who you are, not in who they are. It can be helpful to talk this through with someone else.

As Lent approaches, maybe one of the ways we can live through it is to keep an eye on how we react to other people. Are we judging them without knowing the full story? Are we assuming we know more than we do? Are we listening to what they are saying, or assuming we know what they mean? Are we aware that just because someone looks okay, it does not necessarily mean that they are? Are we prepared to do the work involved in loving our neighbour, or are we going to take the easy route?