Is it?

It was an informal meal, where the Sisters each took their food into the dining room, sitting wherever they chose. The meal was silent, but, for those who have experienced it, a silent meal can bring people closer. It was still, very much, a Community time. So why, on this occasion, did one of the Sisters choose to isolate herself? Rather than sitting on the same table as the others, she took herself off and had her meal on a separate table on her own. It was deliberate avoidance, and, whatever was going on for her, an inappropriate way to behave.

Or take another scenario: the same type of meal. Five Sisters are sitting together on a table for six. A sixth Sister walks in, and could take the last seat … but she is aware of another Sister still to come, who would then have to sit on her own, and would feel excluded. She chooses to sit on another table, whereupon one of the five finishes her meal and leaves the room. The seventh Sister arrives to find four Sisters sitting on a table for six, and another sitting on her own. She joins the four, and probably has no idea why the sixth Sister is sitting where she is.

That meal was the same meal, and the second scenario a true one. As far as I know, nobody reacted as the Sisters did in the first paragraph, but it is very possible they could have done. (I know at least one of the four was aware of why the Sister sat on a separate table, and it is more than likely the others did too). But the point of this is not to comment on former meals, but to raise awareness of how different behaviour can look, and how easy it is to condemn people for behaviour without having any proof or knowledge of why they behaved that way.

It’s not just behaviour, either. It is easy to comment on motivation and suggest ways others might act without knowing how true it might be, and when we really do not know them well enough to make those judgements. It can be so damaging, building up a picture of a person which is not true, but predisposes others to assume certain motivations; to judge others on a brief acquaintance, only to discover later that behaviour which looked like one thing, was actually motivated by something completely different. Just as, in the scenario above, an act of sitting alone, motivated by love of another Sister, could have been implied to be rude, isolationist or just contrary. How often do we pause to think about what we say in regard to other people?  One saying that I heard some time ago, and I have no idea where from, is to ask yourself before you speak: is it true? is it kind? is it loving? Asking those questions regularly might transform our churches and our society.

Is it true? Do we have actual, factual knowledge that what we are saying is true, or are we assuming it? If we have been told this by someone else, how do we know that what they say is true? This is not to assume that all our friends and acquaintances are liars, but it can be very easy to be dragged into gossip and ‘did you know…?’ Is the person who told us this someone who would have a knowledge of the facts? If we are not sure of the truth, would we be wiser in not repeating it? If it is about someone’s motivation, rather than their acts, we need to be sure we know the person well enough to be able to suggest what motivates them, which is not always the case.

Is it kind? Assuming we can establish some level of truth, are we being kind in repeating it or commenting on it to someone else? A person’s reputation can be trashed by false rumours. Is what we are saying kind?

Is it loving? This applies both to the person we are talking about, and anyone else involved. What are our own motivations for what we are saying? Are these comments said from love… or from a need to enhance our own self-esteem, or to seem to belong to the group? Even if they are true, is it loving to repeat them?

Of course, we cannot go through all those questions every time we have a conversation, but even thinking through them after the event may be enough to give us pause in future. This applies in general conversation, but also to what we share via the internet. It should not prevent us from reporting concerns, where we have them, but it might shape the way we share them. Are we reporting a fact, or is it unease at someone’s behaviour?

We all fail at times in ensuring our conversation is true, kind and loving, but it is something to aim for. It does not just apply to those people we know, but also to those in the public eye. How often do we comment on the motives or behaviour of those in the news, without any knowledge of their background story? Often it may be based more on our own instincts and preferences, or what we may have heard through the media, rather than any knowledge of the person concerned. We may never know the person concerned well enough to comment, yet there will be times when comment might seem necessary. Still, it is worth bearing in mind those three questions, and at least acknowledge our opinion could be wrong.